Inspiration...
has left me. To be inspired requires more than I now own... It requires hope. Hope that I can do, be or write something, anything... of value. Anything that would actually beg someone to read my words, anything that would mean something, or be something to someone.
I beg for ANYTHING these days. My days are long now that inspiration has left my heart and mind.
Like an over done ritual, I wake beside death every morning and simply wait the day out. I wait and watch. Always wondering WHEN death is actually going to take me. Soon, I know. But sometimes I want to know when it will happen. Why, I do not know. Perhaps it is the element of surprise I dread or perhaps it is my LIST of unfinished dreams, the planned for but never born children that race within my mind...
I think of inspiration, still. On some days. But it is only a thought that drips from my mind and evaporates before it hits the earth. Inspiration is more like a memory that an catharsis to propel me to something.
I have done the inspiration thing. A lot actually. Been a lot. Lived a lot. Now I am only here to take my final bow. It is odd how at the end of your life, your BOW loses value. If you fall, you fall. If you fling your arms out wide, they become simply wide flung arms. If you sit while you take your final bow, no one cares if your chair is hard or soft. Even if you do not choose to bow, that is okay too. Inspiration used to come in waves upon me. I would tell myself I would one day write the great American novel, sail every sea, be loved forever... Now, inspiration has been exchanged in my life for expiration. I am expiring. From life. From dreams. From sunsets. From myself.
I try to tell myself that it is okay. I did well. My life screams otherwise. I failed.
So this blog... Well, it is the only inspiration I have left. Here I will pen my heart and take my final bow...
15 comments:
I can only hope the blog will keep inspiring you.
I hear you...
Please head over to my blog..and I am hoping that somehow, somewhere, something in there will give you hope... will inspire you... will resurrect that zest for life in you.
I'll look forward to your visit. My Sunday Scribbling for the week is up, please come by.
and like what chiefbiscuit said, I also hope that the blog will keep inspiring you.
Liza
I cannot think what to say to somehow comfort you... only that in the trying one never finds failure.
Please don't stop trying...
We never fail. We cannot fail as long as we are alive. We have to nove on. Death is no solution at all.
Just look around. There are sadder people than you and they live...
gautami
Fillip
Think of inspiration as circular. It's left you to come to us to come back to you. Check again. It should be coming back around.
Today, I read your words and loved them. Powerful emotions.
Inspiration left me for a long while and then suddenly it came back again like it was never again.
If you stay a writer, be ready. Inspiration will find you. Don't lose heart. :-)
Sorry. There's an error above. :-)
I meant to say, ...like it was never gone....
It was on a Sunday when I woke up with emptiness at my side for the final time. Having spent too many years waiting for my final overture to play, I realized I was choosing to make death my bedmate as much as it was choosing me.
I now shy away from absolutes and singularity, inspiration coming in many forms. I allow the shading in my days, avoiding seeing only the black and white in shadows.
How ever this paths unfolds for you, I hope you too will wake up one day and see your choices. Not seeing them is as much a choice as seeing them.
Sorry for the candid words, I offer them from experience.
Good luck.
~GoGo
who care if you write something of value? Just write. Some one somewhere may like what you do.
But write anyway.
Write until yours arms fall limply by your side and the pen rolls away under the chair.
give us your words. any and all.
if your race is nearly run, show the finish tape :)
Then write about for us...
sooo tired...
miss typed a few bits, but you get my drift...
gotta go sleep now...
I don't know what your situation is - if you're ill or just plain sick and tiered. Either way - I am glad you have joined us here in the blogosphere. Please come by my blog anytime - I don't know if anything there will inspire you - but I love visiting and being visited. My email is available as well on my profile. I would love to hear from you.
It seems that despair has inspired you. Your expressions are powerful and poetic.
contrary to popular opinion, day-to-day life is not an all or nothing proposition...it's some of this & some of that...some days it's lots of this & almost none of that...and then the next day is different.
Someone said it already, said anything I might have said already, and yet, because I want to make contact, to say your words have a meaning for me, I want to say something too. There are cycles in life - inspiration is close sometimes, far away others. It circles around, and the hard part is being patient, perhaps, waiting for it to make the loop and come back into view. But there are inspired words in what you write, and they reach others... they have reached me.
I spent 4 days by the sea in silence this weekend. There were 20 of us on silent retreat. We could not talk to each other or have eye contact (which is also communication) for those days. The main thing to communicate with and look at was therefore the sea. It said a lot. In the endlessly rolling waves I saw the immensity that exists in and for everything ... that some things can never end and never be stopped ... that the tide goes out and comes back in again.
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